My story

"Write a book" they said..."someone has to write the book",  eventually called SucSexfully Single Sometimes...a clever play on words I thought then...

It was a cathartic experience and one shared with many friends my age. Equally detested, judged and disputed by many of my friends.

It was easier to deny leading 'such an existence' and many friends judged it; fairly, and unfairly to be my story 'alone'. 

I cannot deny my thoughts, feelings and many experiences were reflected in the book, yet there were other friends who made appearances and willingly shared their journeys along the way. Otherwise "any resemblance to those living or dead was purely coincidental", of course ;-)

More importantly the book was a sign of the times, changing and somewhat tumultuous.

Originally it was meant to be a self-help book but at that time and even more so now, there are so many others on the market. Besides, I think perhaps it was easier to hide behind the 'fictional characters'.

It amazes me how many people reacted with disdain and disapproval, others who claim they had a friend, sister or a neighbour who would relate to the book. It was never themselves (laughing, somewhat cynical emoticon).

The life and times depicted in the book  was in fact relevant to the many 40 somethings...or even 30 pluses of the 90's. Some might say we were the 'early adopters' of a new single life as parents and career women. It was on the brink of on line dating...

Separation is never easy...after becoming a mother at 26 and grappling with work and career along with parenting and separating at 37, life was not without struggle. I believe I managed to parent two beautiful girls never questioning nor hesitating to support their needs. Of course I must also attribute that 'success' in life to support from their father, many extended family members, teachers and friends.

Balancing study with work and children to achieve a qualification and supporting the girls as a single parent required a rather single minded and determined outlook in life.

Whatever stage or area of life I have 'lived and loved' I've always been passionate and enjoyed challenges and innovating ideas and practices, particularly where I have a firm belief that the outcome is in the best interests of an individual, family, friend, cause, group or society.

I've always enjoyed a 'semi autonomous' work environment, while enjoying relationships often instinctively mentoring others. 

Growing up in a low socio-economic area with a father predominantly unemployed and always admiring my mothers ability to work hard and provide for her children in the face of adversity, both my brother and sister were also determined to achieve their work and career goals - all of us needing to work long and hard while being grateful and showing integrity...

After years of negative feedback from my father, positive feedback from others helped me to thrive in otherwise difficult environments along with those who supported my skills or recognised my efforts. 

I married at the ripe old age of 21 and appreciated the kindness and devotion of my then husband. As we started to grow apart I continued pursuing career goals and the pressure grew - we both changed and our wants and needs were different.

As a single parent societal expectations of older single women with children were archaic and often misunderstood.

Balancing parenting, work and life in general, increasingly takes its toll and yet it can be an enlightning time; particularly with strong friendships and strong bonds.

Post marriage and singledom then inspired the book, 10 years in the making. Definitely an achievement and its completion, subsequent self publishing and promotion saw it reach bookshops

.... and of course www

What then?

After 23 years in vocational education and training, I knew I wanted to pursue my dream of owning a book cafe. I realised this dream in 2015 and while in a loving relationship with my best friend, I remain steadfastly independent and perhaps a little bit wiser in a relationship.

So here I sit preparing to write book number two... most of the titles I can think of have already been taken by other authors, but I have identified and experienced problems and some solutions I believe are worth sharing so I'm sure a title will come.

I will include my journey in the first two years of being a sole trader and 'life after government'. There will be tragedy, trepidation and triumph... there will be people who don't believe in me but more importantly there are people that already do.

So wish me luck as I embark on this next chapter of my life and I hope you will join me on the journey, the steep climbs, a few falls and my rise to fame. Just kidding, I will seriously be happy if a second book makes a difference to 'just a few' (liar liar pants on fire) 😊😘

Another year and more resolutions

So this is my story at the beginning of yet another year when everyone seems to be making resolutions and plans for the year ahead. 

The purpose of this blog is helping you with not only planning for moving forward but taking action. Whether it is at the beginning of the year, changing career, starting or running a business, or somewhere in the middle or even the end of both, planning some elements of life and work helps us to reach our full potential and realise our dreams. Stephen Kovey called it 'keeping the end in mind'.

This blog is based upon a dialogue and journal of reflection that I hope will resonate.

It may help you, a friend, daughter and mother or even grandmother.

As I move through all these stages I am becoming quite the expert. I fall down, stay down, pick myself up, move on and carry on; but most of all I survive and thrive and live my life accordingly. Am I happy, am I successful? I know one thing and that is I am grateful for every opportunity and experience. 

At the end of the day it's really up to you to take a proactive approach to achieving your goals and solving any challenges - 'have confidence' they say; 'you have what it takes to bring about a happy ending' .

On the whole I consider myself optimistic and outwardly confident but in my head and my heart sometimes it tells a different story. Having a vision in mind, planning and taking action helps me to stay focused and when opportunity knocks I am ready and 'waiting to answer the door'.

I think the key for me has been to keep moving in the direction of my hopes vision/dreams, plans and goals over many years.

Well it may take some time and there is always hard work involved, but the effort is always worth it. 

Obstacles and challenges always arise. These added to my libran quality of procrastination can make it sometimes hard to act; and yet the key is to continue with a positive mindset, take even the smallest of steps, if only one day at a time. 

I outline all the action that I need to take in relation to the areas of my life such as work, business, health, relationships and my finances. 

I need to be reminded though so I look for real and virtual mentors. I need reinforcement to anchor myself to keep moving forward.

Thinking about what I need to do and taking action every day makes me reflect on what has to happen, how, when and who can help me.

Once I feel pretty much on top of 'procrastination' and do most of the actions outlined in this phase, especially in relation to work and business, it becomes easier to outline (using task lists and schedules) what I need to do and then I can start ticking off to show progress and achievement.

Yesterday for example I have ticked most of what I had planned - what I like about this phase though is being reminded to forgive myself if something is not achieved and to reset or change/alter course.

If anything I need to be easier on myself and add more health and well being actions and schedules! 

I do not write reflections each day.  I feel although I do prioritise tasks and actions completing many; it seems to make me a little obsessive. I have realised through scheduling and acting upon tasks for work, study or business I must also support my health and well-being.

I think a risk of making resolutions, having visions and goals-setting sometimes means we may stop living in the so-called present eg when obsessed with reflection and planning - so this morning, after a days planning and actions yesterday, I have come to my favourite spot at the beach (unplanned) watching a Scragg flex his wings as he seems to when ever weather permits. I think I can learn a lot from his regular routine to enjoy a birds eye view and fresh air. I'll add it to my plan and act on it at least once a week 😉

Happy new year

Monday melt down

Sitting at my favourite cafe well, my second favourite! Taking the deep breath I've been told by many a meditation expert. Live in the now, take a moment away from life as I know it and be  present. 

Watching dogs and their 'people' running and strolling along the beach; waves slowly rolling in at the same time. 

Should I eat breakfast, have a coffee or go for a walk along the beach? My only decision to make right here, right now.

I see a person I know walk past, she sees me, we both choose not to speak. Well she chose to walk briskly along the foreshore while I've decided on breakfast and coffee.

I need to reflect and 'exercise' in a different way - some would say spiritually others might call it mindfulness. 

But what I really need today is time out with a Capital T.

The honeymoon period is not quite over with my business; yet I also seem to have reached a threshold, peak; or maybe it's a trough?

Everything I've visualised or should I say planned has come to fruition; the law of attraction has treated me well. It's just continuing and taking 'inspired action' that's making me feel tired. 

I don't even realise I'm tired until I stop. Then the aches and pains and today tears start to well up...

Then I remember this is reality and perhaps allowing myself time to release the cortisol and face the stressors also helps to debrief and resume with commitment and conviction.

I've decided to call this day 'Monday Melt Down' and I'm going to allow it to happen - this decision alone inspires me. 

My mind wanders again and I think... Oops  today is about NOT thinking...coffee is finished and I watch a seagull flex and stretch his wings. I see the first hint of winter sunshine forcing its way through black clouds. I step outside and remember it's only 10° but both refreshing  and calming. 

I return home and revisit my 2006 vision board, not a digital one...an old fashioned, hand made poster. I decide to update and do a new one. 

I'm using the back of an old print, cutting out and pasting with magazine and newspaper cutouts, headlines and adding favourite sayings/quotes...leaving it to dry I make a pact to look at it each day for the next week.

A week later...no 'Monday Meltdown' ...just gratitude as I take the 30 minute walk down the beach instead of coffee and breakfast today. I had a refreshing lemon and ginger juice and poached egg on rye before I left home. 

Throughout the week my 'visions' were manifesting themselves...I am more rested, calm and taking my own advice! I am looking forward to the second year of the book cafe and exciting times ahead. 

The moral of today's blog...'it's okay to have a meltdown just don't unpack and live there' (unknown) 

I think that has been a moral of past blogs too! 

BTW we had our first birthday celebrations last week - and some said it couldn't be done! 

So another moral of this and past blogs? Hold the vision and trust the process - I may have to hold on bloody tight sometimes, but I am grateful for the opportunity every day! 

Fear, failure | dreaming and believing

I am driving an EH Holden - I have only been sixteen for 5 minutes. 

My mum describes the tenacity and determination I have to learn to drive. I dream of it day and night. No kidding!

I'm crowned Miss Salisbury High - not because I'm your typical 'prom queen' but because someone believes in me enough to nominate me...In a borrowed dress, and partner (yes borrowed too) to escort me to the year 12 School ball, determination strikes again. 

I don't believe I am as pretty or as smart as the other girls in the quest. But for five years whenever someone else was nominated I dream that one day it will be me! 

My name is announced as the winner. I do not fein surprise, I am surprised. I still think the other girls are prettier and smarter and I think that others are more surprised than me. Not my family, they believe

in me. 

I fail year 12 - partly due to illness; partly due to home stress and partly a deliberate attempt to sabotage my father's intention that I should go to teachers college. 

I am a mother craft nurse. I dream it; I feel it and I believed it - from year 9, it's what I wanted to do. No one would stop me.

I'm living in a house with my friends, lifelong friends, although I don't know that at the time. 

We are supposed to live at the nurses home; but no one can change our mind - we move without our parents consent. After all we are 18 years old and know what we are doing! 

I'm called into the matrons office and told I am lazy and don't smile enough. I'm sick to the stomach. She tells me I will not make probation. I hide in the walk in linen cupboard. I cry. I promise myself then and there I will graduate and excel at my job - I love babies, Im enjoying the course and work. I am having fun. I feel confident and...determined.  They are wrong about me. They don't know me! 

I graduate with credits in my course and excellent nursing reports. I make a speech at our graduation. I'm proud to be a mother craft nurse.

Where to from here? I have met the man I will marry. 

I have a job in the neonatal unit. We go to live in the Northern Territory - take a risk, make mistakes. Return to Adelaide. Marry.

I find a job in childcare... I discover a career path when I m invited to be assistant director. Another person has faith in my ability. More importantly, I have faith in my ability.

We buy a house, land and later another house. We have a mortgage and high interest rates strike.

I have to work, I want to work. I dream of being director or owning a childcare centre. I am 26. Five interviews later and learning I am pregnant, I establish and operate a community-based service. 

We have the baby I always knew we would. She had her name long before she was born.

I have two miscarriages before our next beautiful baby girl is born. 

Returning from maternity leave I need a new career path, one that works around my girls school years. 

The skills, knowledge and experience I have gained over a decade in early childhood sees me pursue a job as a trainer in adult education. Firstly I'm invited as a guest speaker. I realise my potential. I love making a difference in students lives. I love mentoring and recognising the skills they have from their experience in life.

If I am to make a career of this, while paying the mortgage and raising children

I must study. 

I sit the mature age entry into university. I commence my bachelor. A lecturer tells me I will never make it. 

Four years later, separated from my marriage... I make it and graduate from university. My mother brother and daughter are there to support me. I wish my dad was here too. He died a year earlier. 

I am a teacher/trainer and finding my way through a new millennium as a single mother while maintaining a professional status, job role and career. 

There are many challenges, balancing life, love and the growth and development of my children. 

At work I'm innovative and passionate for a cause - which will eventually be my undoing. I will not become 'like the system I oppose'

I stopped dreaming, I was fighting for something that I could not change. None the less I made a difference if only to some. 

A new dream, a new vision. Plenty of action. Hold the vision and trust the 

process they say! 

Sometimes sad sometimes glad, I feel the the fear and do it anyway. I leave my job, my career and some friends of 23 years. 

Today I have a book cafe that encompasses local business, women in business, community and fosters a sense of being and belonging... I also have a FB page called 'women, wonder and wisdom' and a blog that tells a story of moments before redundancy through to reflection and reinventing myself as a cafe owner! 

Last but not least I survived the working mother period (single at that!) and now a 'senior-preneur' - I read, I write, I plan, think, dream and do! I have belief and vision.

There are many challenges today and still ahead

But with conviction, gratitude, lifelong  friends and family who believe in me ... 'once again' I have the tenacity and determination of my 16, 18 and 26 year old self 😊 

https://www.facebook.com/onceandagain.bookcafe/

'Pursuit of a passion'

As the owner of Once & Again Book Café I am joined by my daughters who have remained steadfastly by my side to develop a dream and help bring my vision to life. You will see them in the café from time to time; and both have successful pursuits and commitments to their own work, business and study.

My background is education and training, coaching and mentoring and luckily includes food service and hospitality - including a barista course or two ;-) Previously I have worked in Bar and Retail...which has brought me back to a passion for working 'with people' from all walks of life and making a difference - if not in people's lives, at least their day, with a good cup of coffee, great service, interesting and helpful books, a range of gift options and a chance to share the café space by booking their own meeting or small gathering.

The benefits and gains for me personally include: independence, pursuit of a passion and change of career direction while able to capitalize on years of education, training, skills, experience and knowledge.

 

All of this comes with the challenge of financial insecurity, risk, new learning and great change. I need to be flexible yet ensure I researched my new business and remain organised. I take many opportunities for reflection, seek advice and seem to be attracting like minded people who are mentoring, encouraging and supporting my dream and inspired actions. 

My advice for all young and old(er) business women alike is to hold on tight, be prepared to 'fall off' every 'once & again', pick yourself up and brush yourself off.  Know what it is you are 'chasing' (dreams, vision, outcomes) and take inspired action 'every day' - have faith in yourself, find the right people to encourage and support you , and try, try and try again. If it's meant to be, it will be!

Once& Again Book Café | Ph: 08 72260910  |  569b Marion Road, Plympton Park | onceandagain.bookcafe@gmail.com

I know I know; but how do I know I know?

I know:

• as a Mum I want to protect, advocate, help and support my children. But as adults I  know they need to 'protect, help and support' themselves and the ones they love and care for. We aim to foster those skills from an early age

• as a parent I still want to give advice to my 'adult' children, or share my 'wisdom and experience', but all I really have is the benefit of hindsight, and some extra life experience, knowledge and skills 

• and understand when my children (at any age) become anxious and have important, life changing decisions or stressful events, the feeling of a heavy heart and despondency. I've had it many times over the years

• it comes with heart ache or break, a busy work or study schedule; disappointment, discord and disruption to every day life - and a feeling you have no control, support or perhaps social life!

• it comes when their health is suffering or routine is upside down - or when they are faced with difficult choices and decisions... 

• the feelings they are experiencing are both normal and will pass - sometimes from day to day and other times month to month or year to year. Some of them relate to physical health and others to the head and heart ❤️ 

• that often something must give, or they must give something up - sometimes it is a job, money, career, social life, a possession or even a person

• there are curve balls, crises and sometimes they may crumble under pressure 

• life is unfair, unpredictable and at times unpleasant, and...life is to be lived to the fullest; life is a privilege, and full of wonder :-) 

• I will keep giving unasked for advice to my adult children - and...I know why my Mum still wants to give me advice about my choices, decisions or anxieties!

and last but not least: I know it's ok, not to be ok all of the time (Power of Positivity)

How do I know?

I look back and think about the past and to an extent I gave up a social life between the ages 21 and 37. All of it for good reason and much of it by choice.

In my case I know those years included the birth and early childhood of my two beautiful girls. But as I'm sure any parent is aware, that was also a big responsibility and stress in its own right!

I had miscarriages at thirty, no health benefits and we (then husband) had loan upon loan.  I sometimes felt it was hard to talk to friends about these things  as they too had jobs, families, partners and problems of their own; in some cases we just 'added fuel to each others fire'; particularly when experiencing difficult times in relationships.

I had a full time job both as a parent and at work; I had a casual job on top of that (when pregnant with my youngest) and I was studying a degree.

But I don't regret a thing (OK maybe one or two things) and in many ways it has made me stronger, more appreciative and more determined in my life and work journey.

And I am in no way complaining, being self-righteous or looking for sympathy!

I hope I am pointing out that life is tough, it can be unfair and uncertain - but...with optimism, belief and kindness we can 'weather the storms', get back in the boat when we fall out, and row with all our mite... we will endure the hardest of times and appreciate calmer waters during the journey.

Life experience gives us all some credibility to give advice, but how can we help our children to 'get back in the boat' and enjoy the journey?

I know I know?

There is so much pressure to have a career, exercise, eat well, look good, buy a house, have a baby, be an entrepreneur and have money and more money, did I mention further study? Oh and to be mindful and happy...

We will always have another choice or decision to make that is harder (if not wiser) than the last, and at that point in our lives, it will be the right one (for that person and now). 

In the face of adversity, strong nurturing and protection from my mum, mentors, extended family, friends and education (that's another blog); I have learned to be independent, support, advocate and protect myself and those I love.

So I use the tools and skills I have learned, mistakes I have made, experiences I have lived and I live my dreams, love my family, be kind and care for others.

I plan, review and revisit goals, values and take 'inspired action' I want or must take! (easier said than done!)

My dream such as it was at 17 i.e.to be a mother-craft nurse came true, I achieved my goal at 26 to be director of a child care centre and my desire to have a baby was fulfilled twice. At 35 I decided to complete a degree', at 40 to write a book; at 50 to go overseas and at 55 my dream to open a book cafe came true!

I have valued 'job satisfaction' in my early childhood and adult education careers and I sometimes decided to 'do more with less' or 'suffered' short-term pain for long-term gain. 

I still weigh up difficult decisions or choices in order to spend less or earn more; be more or less tired, have more or less commitments. I do a pros and cons list and if the pros outweigh the cons I believe that to be the right decision.

If I had ceased to study my degree at 37 perhaps I would still be married, perhaps not?

But I was 'doing it all' and managing the commitments the best I could.

Perhaps by working on my feelings and emotions with a psychologist, reading copious books, and more study in later years, I have been able to cope better with the practicalities or with less stress and procrastinating - and sometimes not!

Now though finally in my 50s I understand I do my best...I try to treat myself with kindness, and realise sometimes we attract our own drama by thinking the worst of a situation.

If we visualise and convince our brain the things we want to attract, sometimes they materialise? But...ONLY if we act on them and they are in our best interests or the interests of those we love (or 'the community/society/world we live in) and not at someone else's expense or peril.

And if all else fails, I have a friend who likes the saying 'pull your big girl panties up' i.e. worry less, get on with the task at hand and realise there are others worse off than you - and another who says 'do what you can do and if all you can do is all you can do then, all you can do is enough'

I think sometimes to be happy we should also remember to keep pulling up those big girl panties, cos they will stretch further than we realise 😝

So...I know I have advice to give and years of experience/wisdom to share and I know I will continue to make mistakes...but through it all I will protect and support my adult children; and I know they will protect and support the ones they love...including me as I grow older; and I know the roles will inevitably reverse!

Happiness and GenY

I've been meeting a lot of different people in the last 12 months and many of them are attempting to get their life back on track after significant life events etc. not just us 'oldies ' either, but our young ones seem to have the world on their shoulders.

I think happiness is both a state of mind and  impacted on by experience, characteristics and backgrounds. Having a happiness mindset certainly creates a positive approach to daily life and enables us to achieve positive results, however it is imperative we respect people who experience mental health issues, adversity in their backgrounds or environments...and where 'happiness is shall we say 'in the eye of the beholder'. 

Sure, be positive and happy BUT life throws curve balls and it's our ability to cope, bounce back, be resilient, keep trying, be grateful, reflecting etc etc that makes us appreciate 'happiness' - it actually does our bodies, mind and soul some good to have a good cry (releases endorphins and balances cortisol the stress hormone) and we need to have the fight or flight instinct in place and sometimes that means fear, sadness, anger, failure and worry... and constructively dealing with these...love the saying 'it's okay to have a meltdown just don't unpack and live there' - happiness requires us to refocus, revitalise and connect with many different aspects of life and love. 

Negativity towards Gen Y

I am a year out of being Gen X so must classify myself as a baby boomer and we must all take responsibility for the negativity towards Gen Y and get back to what we tried to do as parents of Gen Y's by encouraging and praising their efforts. We are the cause of much of their stress. And if they expect too much of themselves or aim too high we are partly to blame. As mothers in particular we role modelled 'doing it all'... And now in our 40s and 50s something we are striving for is work life balance...and the elusive happiness. I am extremely proud of my Gen Y friends, colleagues, children,  nieces and nephews. 

Shoot for the moon by all means but just remember to look up at the stars and enjoy the ride; whether your are 25 or 55! 😍😘