Piano or Pianist?

 

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist
- Michael Levine

 My job here is done!  Or is it?

So you think parenting finishes when your children turn 18? You expect your children to leave home at 17 like you did? Or at 21 when they have the 'key to the door', literally! Or perhaps when they finish uni, have a job or career? Not in this century, and day and age my friend; they are more likely to stay or return with the confidence that you will be there and they can still use the key you gave them at their 21st!

They are considered an adult at 18 so you expect they will make their own decisions and face the consequences. Well perhaps not, you might expect to make the decisions if they are still 'living under your roof', but only until they don't agree with your decision any more, or need to face the 'consequences' on their own...or...need money to pay for them.

So let's get with the program, parenting is a never ending journey and life long career. It is a long and winding road (with a few forks along the way) and yet it is one of the most rewarding and perhaps least qualified 'job roles' we will ever face in our careers - one where we are 'employed' for a life time and while we gain many skills, we do so mainly through experience; ours and others.

When our children are born (or before) we read the 'books', we attend a few ante natal classes or parent groups or even an 'effective parenting class' or two - we will never be 'that kind of parent'; or my children 'will never behave like that'. We judge others for their parenting and we justify our parenting to others.

Mostly though we fly 'blind' and by the seat of our pants. We do the best we know how to do, or we do as our parents did - or didn't do! We love them unconditionally, and they depend on us to guide, encourage and respond to their needs and interests. What we sometimes (as parents) don't do is give our children enough credit for being capable, competent individuals and expect 'we know best' - which of course we do (emoticon: wink, wink).

As one who has studied and worked with babies, young children and adults in training, education and care, I am forever grateful for the knowledge, skills and experience of 'learning' about their  development and well being. Has this made me a good role model and better parent? Well I've always thought so; but what I didn't count on was how much 'growing up' with my children and learning with them, alongside them and from them is the training required to 'be a high performing parent'.

In some ways the parent/child roles are reversing with my own Mum and yet I still need her to guide, encourage and respond to my needs - and I am in many ways a 'mini her' (can I put an LOL in a blog?). Mum didn't have her mum to role model for long having lost her to cancer when mum was only 7. Mum didn't have the level of education I did, nor the 'tertiary' education and training. Yet, Mum is a damn good role model, a nurturing, caring and 'connected' Mum to her children and grandmother to her grandchildren.

While I didn't gain her creative flair I have learned from her the qualities I believe are the 'essential job requirements/criteria' for parenting - and no she's not perfect, but hell I'd give her 'the job' any day!

So it's not that we necessarily parent instinctively, nor do we need years of formal education however parenting does require years of on the job training, mentors, role models and lots of information...thank god for google! But we also need our children to teach us - we make mistakes, we make the wrong decisions and our children love us, hate us, make mistakes and the wrong decisions. They grow up, leave home, come home, leave home, visit, come home again...which is back to where this blog began...

What I didn't factor into parenting when we were 'family planning' was how to be the parent of an 'adult child' - there are as I've discovered books already written about this very topic, and yet they are a relatively new phenomenon. Did you know there is a Bill of Rights of Parents of Adult Children?  http://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2013/10/23/the-bill-of-rights-for-parents-of-adult-children/

So in this blog I am going to 'invent' from experience, and some years of gathering both tacit and educational knowledge an 'ABC' of parenting adult children. Why? Because I am 'in the zone' myself with two beautiful, talented, kind and caring adult children, and nieces and nephews. Also because I have many friends who are new to the world of adult 'parenting' - and I have young friends with young children who might need it themselves. Who knows what the future will look like for them?

Apologies in advance for 'incorrect' referencing to those who care - with years of 'reading/research/teaching' most of this list is in my head and my heart. While most of it is also the basis of my own parenting philosophy and practice, I am yet to 'refine' and still to improve my 'performance' in parenting and know that I am still 'walking the walk' - but I reckon I'm still qualified to 'talk the talk' - you decide! No doubt you will add your own 'ABC' qualities, skills and knowledge.

The abc of adult parenting (adolescence to adulthood)

Attitude - have the right one! Positive, confident and caring.

Acknowledge - their feelings (and them yours)
Accept - that you cannot control, chastise or criticise their behaviour; accept who they are and who they are becoming)
Affection - show it, often!
Appreciation - again, show it, often!
 
Be there - when or if you need to be
Be yourself - always
Be happy - and honest when your not
Being - just 'being' and not always doing for your adult children (hmmn, hard lesson)
Becoming and belonging - they are still 'growing and learning' and so are you

Control what you can when u can - let go of what you can't (my girls will laugh about now!)

Cooperation, communication - expect it, ask for it, role model it
Confidence - yours and theirs (if the previous parenting years have gone well, this should be ok)

Decisions - consult, but don't make decisions for them (uggh, so hard, and chances are you won't always/ever agree)

Defiance - expect it even from your adult child (and they can expect it from you sometimes)
Dread - you will still dread when they are out late at night, not knowing where they are or who they are with, not always knowing they are safe - when they are under your roof this is to be expected even more so)
Do as I say not as I do? - or should it be 'do as I do not as I say'? :-)

Eat, pray, love - read the book, eat well, meditate and love yourself as well as them

Encourage - adults and children alike need feedback and encouragement; don't stop now!
Enable - leave them to make their mistakes, decisions - give them room to choose the life they want to live (see 'communication and cooperation')
Expectations - be reasonable, be fair, be understanding
Environment - expect your home to be 'comfortable/tidy/clean'; whether your adult children are visiting or residing at home; keep the atmosphere 'harmonious', lots of laughter and tears when needed
Empathy - live by it!

Feelings - express and discuss (eg feeling guilty, angry, fearful for their safety, future, happiness)

Fights - expect them, but 'be the adult''; role model and see 'communication, cooperation, empathy')
Fun - engage in fun times/events/experiences together
Friends - be friends, but don't expect to be in their friendship group, sometimes but not always perhaps?

Goal of behaviour - find out what's behind their 'tears, anger or frustration' - understand it is not always 'about you'; understand they may be feeling hurt, isolated, tired or hungry - sounds just like a toddler!

Gentle - be gentle on yourself (and them); look after yourself as you would a best friend
Gym - exercise, stretch, meditate, swim, walk 'often'

Harmonious - see environment

Honest - be truthful and open with your adult children
Humble - always; humility enables you to address problems and find solutions
Help or hinder - you will do both, and never quite know which one you are doing!
Health - maintain it ~ and support theirs (my personal belief is I will always support my children's health and education at any cost)

Indiscretions - respect them and maintain confidentiality and privacy (yours and theirs)!

Independence - assume they have reached this stage of development and give them room to remain so!
Informed - see communication and cooperation!

Joke - often but respectfully and 'age appropriately' (it might be more embarrassing for you than them!)

Job - encourage a positive work ethic; expect contribution to household if at home

Knowledge is power - for them and you; stay informed, reflect, learn new things, stay current

Know your sphere of influence (Covey, S. 1995) - understand your limits, what can you or should you be involved in?

Listen - you've been doing this for years, if not, start now - and reserve your judgement (show you care and make an effort to understand - expect the same in return)

Limits - set them! Whether toddlers, pre schoolers or adults, we all need them to an extent
Learn - with and from them
Love - unconditionally

Mindful - know your boundaries; you may be their mother or father; but you must be mindful of your limits, expectations and opinions. They are yours, not necessarily theirs. You will disagree, often

Meditation - essential to reflect and relax

Notice - what is going on in their lives without intruding; notice their health and well being; support appropriately

Negotiate - set out the terms of agreement, especially for adult children at home (when to speak up, listen or give advice - a two way street)

Open - and honest, but be mutually respectful

Problems - support and guide; but do not 'wear them' anymore than the 'adult child' themselves (have not got this one under control just yet, will I ever?)

Parent - see yourself more as a mentor, guide (or consultant)
Partners - you brought 'them' into this world, and now they are working their way through to reach their 'full potential' and 'self actualisation' (Maslow, A. 1943) - work with them, not against them

Questions - respond to the best of your ability, and only ask what you need to know (although it's ok to ask them the questions and not know the answers)

Rights and responsibilities - know them, outline them and respect them

Recognise and respond - know when your adult children 'need you' and have the good grace to know when they don't! Watch them both from afar and yet keep them close to your heart; stay connected.

Sharing responsibility - define your roles as 'child, adult, friend, room mate or boarder'

Tough love - apply it when you see it is in the best interests of 'parent and adult child' (know what that means to you and them; discuss consequences and how you will 'apply tough love' - cos I'm still working this out. I do know that 'yelling, abusive language, physical abuse' are not acceptable and never have been; for me it's more like 'leaving the washing' that's been sitting in the basket or not cleaning the bathroom!)

Understanding - 'seek first to understand and then to be understood' (Covey; S. 1995) and as highlighted in 'respect, acknowledge feelings, listen, communicate...'(Harrison, J. 2003)

Vulnerable - you will leave yourself wide open to vulnerability as the parent of an adult child, but that's a side I think they need to see once in a while. You too have a life and perhaps one day would quite like to be an empty nester, or equally want to invite your children back home.

Wonderful - having an adult child is a wonderful experience, one that I am only beginning to truly value; do I understand what it means? Does anyone?

When to leave - you and they need to know when the time is right for you/them to leave. Don't just 'tell them' or expect them to tell you - see communication, respect...enable and empower

eXceptional - my adult children :-)
eXuberant - it helps to be fit and healthy when possible, exuberance helps diffuse some difficult situations; if all else fails, turn up the radio and dance!

Young - you were young once, so remember to take this into account and when your adult children start 'teaching and guiding' you know that 'your job is done' and done well!

Yelling - my philosophy is that it rarely works; like anger it needs to be used with caution and wisely. It is mostly a reaction and short term fix - but one that leaves both 'parties' resentful or regretful

Zoo! The only Z I could think of, and a reminder I haven't been since my children were 'children' and I think it's time I took my Mum to see the panders!

I have also written this blog in memory of Daniel who left this world as a young adult, leaving behind a young wife, children, a sister and a Mother and Father who followed many of these ABC's. I know Daniels parents will forever treasure the time, duty and honour of being his parents from birth to age 35. I was privileged to care for Daniel as a 3 year old and have shared in his childhood through to adulthood and he became "an incredibly generous man who made a difference" (Krause, J. 2013)

 

 'Love, light and peace' Daniel (Davis Ross, A. 2014)

Turning points in life

This is a time of profound change and is impacting on every area of my life - some have questioned my decisions but I see this as a good time to move on in my life. It was a now or never opportunity and a turning point in my life - in case you are a new blog reader I should add I have recently received a voluntary redundancy package of significant worth, to me at least.

I held the vision (well one of them at least) and trusted the process and here I am ready, willing and able to seize the moment...whenever or whatever it may be. While slightly battle scarred from the journey to negotiating a sense of freedom, and after 23 years in one organisation (and several 'work force development' and life changes) I have left to find and follow my passion/s, hold true to my values and maintain a work/life balance.

That was last week; this week however I've found myself thinking 'What have I done?" I feel like I am waking from 'the morning after the night before' and trying to piece together recent events and developments. It is slowly coming back to me! I am 'redundant, displaced and unemployed'...meanwhile I am sleeping in, having breakfasts, lunches and dinners (out and about), spending money at sales, caring for 'family', sleeping in the afternoon and almost sleeping through the night!  A first for many years (perhaps the menopause is coming to a halt).

So having found myself on a somewhat 'negative thought spree' and feeling some anger; and as I read the advice of successful people and motivational books, 'websites and pages', I immediately feel guilt, fear, angst and wonder if I have gone too far. Have I put myself in an unsustainable position?

Surprise, surprise, surprise as Gomer Pile would say (I'm pretty sure my blog audience will be old enough to remember him?) I am going through the stages of grief - hello, really, d'ya think?
The five stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 'On Death and Dying' (1993) noted that these are the possible stages of someone experiencing life-threatening or life-altering events.

Well here I am moving through (and back and forth) those stages - and today, I am accepting that the only real way to find out is to see how far I get and while being pragmatic, I believe I have made one of the most rewarding decisions I've made in a long time. How do I know, well how do we ever know? "It's better to know and be disappointed than to never know and always wonder" (www.MarcAndAngel.com).

Having achieved many goals I have set for myself, my hard work and persistence usually pays off and I am keeping focused on my dreams, however big or small they might be - writing this blog with the aim of supporting others through difficult and changing times is one of them, how am I going so far?

After much soul searching a new me is emerging and I plan to move forward with certainty, the past is behind me and 'the secret to change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new' (Socrates). My 'cards' (thanks to Julianne Palmer - my Facebook Clairvoyant Medium) say I will 'make bold and ambitious choices and show great courage' - and 'the sky's the limit'. Thanks Julianne, your cards have given me inspiration however it is up to me to act on them!

I do believe it is more important to stay positive and hang onto my vision 'of desire and intention and avoid sceptics or those with negative mindsets' (again courtesy of Julianne) - a smile emoticon should go here!

While I may not be there yet, I am closer than I was yesterday and will continue determining my personal and professional goals as I prepare for another decade or more (thanks Tony Abbott) of working, paying a mortgage and other life altering events.

I may not become famous or known for something in particular other than 'mother, sister, daughter, friend, teacher/trainer, consultant' (don't forget 'writer!) but these are things I value and my success will be in: living a life where I have no regret or remorse (well, not too much - you only regret the things you don't do, true?)

I know who I am and where I want to go and I have competence, confidence and courage to do the things I want in life, what I need now is a willingness to take another risk or to sit back and rest on my 'laurels' by playing it safe. Either way, the choice is mine, and that's the bottom line.

The challenge and chase will continue - for the all encompassing and illusive happiness and while life will continue to throw curve balls I wouldn't change anything. I am living in the present and living my dream. I have opportunity, passion and more choices; I am constantly learning and inspired by 'things and people'; I am excited about my life and I am really happy - today. What I'm discovering again for the trillionth time in life is that happiness and success can be short-lived, and like beauty, are simply in the eye of the beholder. To know happiness or success surely we must experience the opposite the ying and the yang - whether it be from one day to the next or a decade into the future?

So where to from here? I will take chances and have fun, pay no mind to fear of failure (apparently it's more valuable than success) and not be discouraged by criticism (from others or my own inner critic that rises occasionally) - and although it's taken years of reflection, reading and responding to the needs of others, I now realise I also need to give myself permission to 'look after myself as I would a friend' (would my friends please remind me of that!)

So as Julianne Palmer predicted months ago 'there are positive developments and changes signalling spiritual growth. Let go and enjoy the ride because it really is for the best'.

Cheers
Judy