Do what you want to do...NOW

I am but one of 170 odd passengers aboard a Qantas flight returning to Adelaide. There is a middle age man, tie undone and stomach billowing over his belt. A young girl jotting notes for what appears to be a physics assignment. Yet another sipping red wine, earphones clamped to her head. Others lie back in their seats - eyes closed or casting a cursory glance at the person next to them. The elderly lady next to me is peering uncertainly (or perhaps appreciatively) out the small window at her side.

Where do they come from, where will they go and what are they thinking as we fly 35,000 feet above the ground? I still say feet even though I know I should think in kilometres after converting 40 odd years ago!  

Barely one person is talking, many are now focusing on the picnic pack the flight attendant places in front of them - others have cast it aside into their bag or politely refused. The attendants swiftly move along the isle rushing to complete their 'round' before preparing 'the plane' to land. They ask me to choose a drink - I hover between wine and lemonade, so decide on both, why not it's free (smile emoticon - I'm still not sure if these are allowed in blogging, and today I'm not worried about the rules).

On their way back down the isle they ask if I want another, I haven't finished the first. What will the lady next to me think if I take another? I don't care, or do I? I decide to say no. Was I really worried about what she thought?

These have been the biggest decisions I have made today - almost. I had to decide where to go for breakfast, which train to catch and where to find wifi connection in Melbourne's CBD, settling on the Lindt Cafe in Collins Street.

During the day I have actually made dozens of decisions along with the 170 people in this plane. Amidst our daily lives we have choices and probably make thousands of split second decisions. We focus mostly on the major things, work and  'big picture' life decisions. We choose, think, reflect and decide on something every minute of every day. What makes me different, or you or them? Age, colour, creed, appearance? Life, love, work or friends?

All of these things and more of course. But today, here, now we have one thing in common as we descend to 20,000 feet, to 1,000 feet and to the ground. That we land safely and return to our loved ones and our daily life choices and decisions. We will go our separate ways and live our separate lives and for most of us, tomorrow will be another day.

We are who we are, for better or worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and health - we do what we do, think what we think, worry about nothing and worry about everything. We are social, special, different and diverse - I am me, you are you and the 170 people on this plane, well, they are them...my point? Well, take out of this what you will.

Before I concerned myself with the 170 people on this plane, in the last ten days I have had a change that was as good as a holiday. Each day I had conversations with people, went places I'd never been and done things I've never done - like, ride a bike along the Yarra, went to a French Food Festival, drank on the roof top bar of a swanky hotel and meditated in the botanic gardens. I have relaxed, slept (or not), laughed, cried, questioned, talked, earned (spent) and learned my way though the days and nights, and I still have one question?

What am I going to do with the rest of my natural life? The answer came as I watched the Sydney Lindt Cafe drama unfolding and realised I could have been, or someone I loved, in that cafe. So...I have one answer...life is too short to ponder that question for long! Do what you want to do, NOW!

Reality excluded of course, you may still have a mortgage to pay and a job to do...before you take off hangliding or bungy jumping - or you may be facing a battle of your own, still with a hard climb in front of you - meanwhile this is life for most of us, and happens while you are waiting to see the 'view from where your passions lie' (Pintrest).

I wonder what the 170 people who were on that plane with me are doing now? I hope they are safe and counting their blessings and showing love and gratitude to friends, family and strangers alike, enjoying their jobs and finding a balance in life? I hear far too many people not happy in love, life or work and 'wishing for more'. I see people working hard, and hoping for more. I see people 'failing and falling' but picking themselves up and dusting themselves off to achieve a life long dream. Sometimes the only way to get to 'NOW' is to find the courage to continue (Winston Churchill) and dream as if you'll live forever (James Dean).

I wish you and your families a very merry Christmas, or is that have yourself a very 'happy holiday' - that is undeniably your choice

It's a cruel...or is that a cool, cool world?

Tired, stressed...do we really just need 'Swiss'?

Busy people, tired people, grumpy people; on the tram, in the street and at the shops. Not a soul raises their eyes or looks up to smile. A man sits next to me, a little 'shabbily' dressed, at first I cringe a little. He says "it looks like its gonna rain later hey?" I warm to this man a little and we strike up a conversation. I know nothing about him. Do I have any reason to be suspicious? At the next stop a young girl perches herself opposite, rubs her flushed cheeks and wipes her eyes before pulling her scarf tighter around her neck and glued to her phone. If she had looked across I would have smiled to acknowledge her presence.

Has it ever been any different, or have we become fearful of our safety, absorbed by technology or embarrassed to acknowledge others in public places? Are we so tired, stressed and self absorbed not to notice the tears rolling down the cheek of the young girl sitting opposite?

Will a paleo, wheat or sugar free diet, meditation, attending weekly church services and exercising 30 mins a day (with a personal trainer in tow) really change the way we behave in our daily interactions with people in the street or our neighbours? Will these things alone prolong our life? Will they make us a better person in a world that seems consumed with waging war against others, working tirelessly to pay the mortgage or wanting to make money to have 'material things' or go to places our mothers (or perhaps their mothers) only dreamed of?

Later...
 
Next to me in the cafe people arguing and interrupting each other. He insists their work here is done. She doubts others will engage and anticipates resentment. He says 'this is how I have done it before'. She brings the conversation to an abrupt end and he says "you always have to have the last word" (I've heard that before). She says, "I just don't think it will work this time" (and has the last word).

We are all experts in something and make decisions based on our world view, culture, experience, background, knowledge and skills. These are usually valid and in the best interests of 'another' who also has a world view. What happens when these are different and conflict? What happens when we change the way we behave?

It seems both the cafe people are experts in their own right; both know best, but one thinks they know better. Politicians, journalists and public opinion analysts seem to know better than us, and the callers on morning radio or 'commentators' on facebook and twitter are absolutely experts in every field; from football, education, health, business, politics and religion of course! Listen to the way they speak to each other, the expression, the tone and the body language (if viewing).

In our day to day or work situations we are expected to: negotiate, be willing to listen and consider the view of others (and the list goes on) and show empathy, understanding and (fill in your own gaps). At a world and international level it seems we use authority, money, land, religion and send young men and women to war (or is that on a mission Tony?) while 'old men and a few women' sit in their offices (or business class) and make decisions - after being democratically elected.

Watch Q&A Monday at 9.30 and see how Christopher Pyne or Wayne Swan discuss, dissect and denigrate the very cultural, economic and social fabric of society and observe the twitter feed across the screen. Watch how they behave. Where does their knowledge come from? How is it possible for politicians and corporate or media moguls to know so much better than we who are experts in our own field?
 
I saw this on social media recently "Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does"... it makes you wonder about the beliefs of some TV, political, 'corporate' personalities and social media commentaries (and how they behave or portray themselves) treat each other? Have you watched question time in parliament lately? We advocate for young children to resolve conflict constructively and training managers to 'implement effective communication' in the workplace (confused emoticon should go here) so why do we see such aggression, name calling and vindictiveness from the very people we should respect - is it healthy debate or simply a debacle?

So who prunes your roses?

This is a family saying (from a movie) when changing the subject, particularly during one of our own 'heated but healthy' family debates. Once dominated by my brother, sister and me it is now even more raucous and overrun by young adults with a wide range of experience and knowledge (the eldest at 30). All of them (and us, my brother, sister and I) completed year 12 (I didn't say I passed year 12!) or equivalent, some have travelled and lived interstate or overseas, others are or have been to Uni or TAFE, one is married and nearly all are in the workforce. So are they, or we,  entitled to our view and to share our knowledge quite so 'absolutely'? Do they (young adults) have enough life experience to be so sure they 'know' - well, I remember at the same age/s pretty much thinking 'I knew it all' - except Geography, French and History; I never really did excel in any of those!

Often during these debates there is one person who has the strongest view who is not always able to make her voice heard as much these days, but whose opinion we all value and at times underestimate. My Mum...Mrs Forbes Says...you may remember her if you read the advertiser sometime in the nineties.

Mum wrote weekly public opinion columns after being discovered from one letter to the editor. The letter reflected her view of the state government at that time and how certain media personalities better represented South Australia in tourism, marketing, media and business than politicians.  Rex Jory (editor) thought she was spot on and yet where did Mum's 'knowledge' come from? Formal or academic study? No. On the job experience? To an extent. Travel? Nope. The World Wide Web?  Absolutely not! Life and work experience? Some. Wider reading and research? Well I believe you could say a resounding yes to that.

Mum is an avid reader of mainly novels, biographies or newspapers. She does however love a 'great debate' and you could say looks, listens and learns from others. Mum emphatically states her primary school teacher (she finished schooling in year 7) was the biggest influence on her learning, in particular the 3 r's and history and really engaged her in a love of learning. Mum has a natural ability to draw and paint and was a 'singer' in her day - beating 'Reg Lindsay' for those of you who remember him in a competition. Her creative abilities and skills may well be genetic but Mum puts it mostly down to her early years of play and time spent on her own - she says "I've always loved my own company" - and that is from a person who is one of the most sociable I know. 

As a teenager Mum was left taking responsibility for her younger brother's care and education and independence was not foreign to her - later Mum married, had 3 children, and well, the rest they say is history. My point here (sorry Mum it was starting to sound like a eulogy - I know this will make you laugh when you read it) is: Mum perhaps didn't achieve highly in the stakes of education, sport or pursue her passions and 'natural abilities' but she does have 'tacit and episodic' knowledge that is, she is able to learn through knowing and telling, reading, writing or listening to the stories of a wide range of people and information.

My blogs are not necessarily founded on research or explicit knowledge, although most of it would at some time link to wider reading, research and study. I mostly exclude references because my aim is to 'speak from the heart, although the head always seems to get in the way of a good story (smiley emoticon). I use knowledge gained from experience and wider reading that becomes entwined or intrinsic in my 'view of the world'.

 Meanwhile...

Weeks have gone by since I started this blog and the debates in our family, with friends and in the media continue to 'rage' about, well you name it? Conversations about the state of the world and the news at hand seem to be creating 'fierce' debate, sadness and concern. I've even engaged in a debate with my sister about correct grammar in the media - I lost because she is an English teacher, and has the 'expert' knowledge, so I never had a hope (I'm pretty sure my sister will laugh when reading this too!). 

I have had conversations with friends saying doubt and fear is creeping in to their everyday life, confusion too - cultural and ethnic diversity in a western world seems to have people of all 'sense and sensibility' questioning 'should we or shouldn't we ask women to remove the Burqa'. We all have a world view, rightly or wrongly however I can almost bet we are being influenced by the government and media through propaganda and fear campaigns.

The behaviour of extremist groups is deplorable and to most inexplicable. It is giving adults and children alike nightmares, and one cannot imagine the grief of the families left to make sense of such inhumane behaviour simply (well, simply is no doubt an 'under exaggeration) to 'prove to world leaders' they are wrong and should not be involved or intervene. That I daresay is a very narrow view or explanation of what is happening literally as we speak.

My niece is fast becoming an 'expert' in such matters including the law, ethics, culture, history and politics and never the 'twain shall meet' I expect? We believe this young lady is one who was born to make a difference to the state of the world, whether directly or indirectly. But then, don't we all? However I entrust the conversations I have with her are based on her semantic knowledge and will listen to her first before I believe what I read in the media. I believe her knowledge and experience - which includes living within a community of culturally diverse young men and women (ethnicity and lifestyle) away from their families - will impact not only on her career choice (the world will be her oyster) but directly on world issues especially 'women in politics'.

So who do you trust?

The past year and half have seen family and friends facing their own personal tragedies, sadness and health challenges. They have gathered information (many using the World Wide Web!) and from experts using their explicit knowledge to find answers and make decisions. They literally entrust their lives to these people who have studied and become experts in their field. So who are we to question? In some cases we are completely within our rights to do exactly that...because we also know. We know from our experiences, our bodies, thoughts, feelings and our day to day life. And yes...we know from social media, public opinion and our own view of the world.

None the less, while doctors, lawyers, historians etc, etc (oh yes and politicians)  'should know, and we hope they know'; let's leave the world economy, environment, political and humanitarian decisions to: well, I suppose religious or world leaders and their 'advisors' to advocate and act in our best interests. Meanwhile 'you and I' (or is that you and me - kidding, in case my sister is still reading - can't resist an LOL) will make a difference in our work, family, friends and community (perhaps the 'wider world') because we have areas of expertise through study, work and life experiences.

Debates with family and friends help us to make sense of a very complicated world knowing that not one of us is the expert. Reading and researching, formal learning, joining in social /public media will keep changing or affirming our view and we are (in our part of the world) able to speak freely and have an opinion. So I will look forward to our next family gathering to debate issues from all over the world and across many areas of life. We will get annoyed, will be strong in our views, will become louder and louder but we will laugh and enjoy good food and company. I will be reminded of the importance of family, trust and respect. I will observe the 'self actualisation' of my children, nieces and nephews' and be as proud as the punch we serve with our meal.

Back to the beginning

I started this blog with observations of people on the tram, in cafes and the shops. This lead to asking questions about our levels of trust, safety, security and stress in today's modern world. I continued with observations of people 'communicating' again showing the strain of today's society and continued with thoughts about how we make sense of the world and the issues that surround us in our day to day life and the media. I will finish with this...sometimes things don't make sense. Sometimes we make sense of 'our world' through our beliefs, knowledge and experience. Let's hope we continue to be a 'free society' to express our views, gain new knowledge and influence the behaviour and lives of others, whether in a small or big way. Let's be open to new ideas, listen to the wisdom of others - let's love our family and 'love thy neighbour' and make a difference to just one person today. Recently a friend who has a 'sad' prognosis due to an aggressive cancer said she would like to write a book, and that I was her inspiration. That was powerful and humbling.

So...go on, look up from your phone, or computer screen and smile at the person next to you whether in the office, on the tram, in the street or cafe - even speak to them (my mum does and usually makes someone else smile). Call the friend who you haven't spoken to in a while, maybe even someone you thought you couldn't ever forgive due to past 'behaviour'? Maybe you will have a 'butterfly effect' on someone's day and prevent them from anger or assist their pain or grief by some 'divine intervention' - you never know what someone else is experiencing in life at a given moment. Live in the present and be mindful of what you do, what you say...and be aware of the powerful affect your behaviour has on your own life and the life of others. NB: I just looked up from my screen and couldn't attract anyone's attention with a smile or a nod,  but I did ask the 'service assistant' how her day is going and I said thank you to the girl who picked up my coffee mug. Not much in the big scheme of things, do I feel better...hell yes.

PS After you have read this blog have a media free day, put down the paper or ipad/phone (why not make it a week); get some fresh air and make a cleansing juice (ok, have a cleansing ale, or a red wine is apparently good for you again),

I'm watching a person take off their shoes and paddle in the shallows of the beach, I think perhaps I'll do the same - then I'll return to the 'real world', the modern world...the one that pays my mortgage and allows me the freedom to choose and speak my mind - perhaps it is a 'cool world after all'

Cheers

 

 

My Gap Year

This year has been a life changing experience and I am happily continuing my gap year (Dr Susie Linder-Pelz., 2002) calls it a sabbatical, and stepping back to look at what I am doing in life and work. Yet realisation that I am growing older hits home as I learn of my need for a hip replacement...from all reports once it's done I will be ready to grow old at least a bit more gracefully.

Meanwhile I have many passions to explore and new experiences are still possible. I am reviving some old ambitions and dreams having made the bold move of leaving a job of 23 yrs. I am spending some quality time with my mum, some like minded friends and juggling some part time work with volunteering and university.

I am keeping in touch with others who recognise my skills and capabilities and trying to sustain a balance by working to live instead of living to work. Surely it can't be that hard? All the books tell you to concentrate on enjoyment and the minor pleasures in life but how do you do that with less money, a mortgage and a few physical 'ailments'?

It is now two months since I left my job and while I have slowed down I'm also starting to 're sharpen the saw' (Covey 1998) to remain in the workforce. I understand that the transition will take time and is testing my patience. Overall I am coping with some ups and downs and finding ways of being considerate of myself and others.

At times though I am struggling with what I should do and how I will need to live to sustain my independence and commitments. I have had a glimpse of joy, growth and fulfilment and although the bank balance is wavering and at times I feel anxious; I am using exercise, meditation and relaxation along with a weekly plan and a good network of friends to 'worry less' and be happy.

In light of some friends experiencing sadness, grief and 'life and death' challenges; I am making living my 'full-time business' (Linder-Pelz.,2002) while trying to sustain a realistic balance and pace myself - I am 'repackaging my career direction' while taking action and opportunities. Easy, no...it is frustrating and at times overwhelming. It can be a double edged sword and I need to remind myself to switch off and try allowing things to happen rather than forcing them; so I am acknowledging the progress I have already made and how lucky I am in my life.

Today I'm walking down the beach in beautiful sunshine and yet wrapped in a scarf, gloves and a beanie. My goal today is this blog - I am half way there! This is also my day to reflect and go with the 'flow' of the day. I choose to pick up my daughters dog for a visit to my place where I also invite my daughter home for lunch.

Meanwhile...

It seems I am in the middle of a stage of development known as 'Generativity vs Stagnation' (Ericson) meaning we care for others, have empathy and show concern for/foster a sense of community. This is approx 26 - 65 yrs of age. While parenting is clearly a time for this stage to evolve, so too is midlife ... I am engaging in many conversations about the state of the world including the economy, politics and humanity; and what a state we are in. In fact many of us are finding the shocking, and unbelievable acts of cruelty going on in the world difficult to reconcile with the world we live in, particularly as 'baby boomers'.

Sensationalism, journalism, socialism, capitalism and fanaticism - whether we are tweeting, reading or viewing it, somewhere in the world a child/ren is hungry, a family is grieving, a soldier is fighting, a soldier (or journalist!) is dying, the weather is changing, storms are killing, people are committing crimes of genocide and suicide...so how dare I complain, feel sad, sorry or have regrets? What right do I have to such comforts, pleasures and enjoyment when there is so much suffering? 

Mostly there are are few answers to these questions, however my circle of influence is limited, I am not a politician, economist or environmentalist (perhaps I should be more of the latter!). However I do care and I love my family and endeavour to give back to the society in which I live - this is a time in my life where I can do some things outside of my day-day work, life and family so last week I volunteered for the Cancer Foundation and the week before walked 'with the homeless' to raise awareness and funds for worthy causes and people. Everyone at some stage will be affected by cancer and most of us with our first world problems, couldn't imagine being homeless. This week I will 'give blood' to Red Cross (no, I will not tip a bucket of iced water over my head - a current fascination for many; and for a good cause - providing the donations reach their 'real destinations').

I have amazing friends and family who 'do more for less' and contribute in many ways in their local community, family and workplaces - others who work in remote communities, are missionaries in orphanages; and some who want to do more but like me, their circle of influence (and money or time) is limited.

Many have faith - religious and spiritual; and we attempt to raise our level of consciousness; we lobby politicians about things that affect us and our children, families and friends - and yet in many ways we are desensitised to the actions and reactions of war, atrocities, murder and mayhem around the world. Research suggests (sorry I'm not going to prove it here) that historically the world has suffered in our past more than we do today - others believe nothing much has really changed in all the centuries and yet others convince us things just 'seem worse' because it appears daily in our lounge-rooms! This I tend to believe to be true, and choose on many occasions not to read, tweet or view the media sources that sensationalise (probably with good intent) the suffering.

How do we make sense of all this and 'rationalise' how we respond? What should we do or how can we help? In one word perhaps: 'perspective'! Ok maybe another one: 'choice'? Well perhaps it takes more than one or two words to 'still the voices in your head' that scream "I should be doing more to help" or "how terrible, that's awful' and appease some of the 'first world guilt' we feel for being born into our culture, world, lifestyle or family. Tania Kindersley and Sarah Vine (2009) describe this very dilemma and suggest we stop trying to be perfect for a start and "...step away from impossible demands...not everyone is cut out to save the children of Africa, but you can pick up the telephone when someone you love is in despair and listen - this is not nothing".

I shared a post on Facebook recently apparently 'Mother Theresa's words: "Do you want to solve the worlds problems? Then go home and love your family" and I'm adding "do the best you can in your own back yard". 

Kindersley and Vine describe some of the things we should not take for granted eg the sun, the sky, laughter, water and electricity. They also suggest you acknowledge that basically 'you are a decent human being but not perfect...you do not have to do the whole warm, worthwhile, human being affirmation gig'. Reference to this is on p. 167 if you ever find this book - I did for $2 and think it's the best 'not a self help book or manual' (described in their introduction) I've ever come across. It is conversational and doesn't profess to be 'correct' but rather 'make you feel that you are alright' in the big scheme of things - I'm hoping these blogs do the same for you?

Aside from breaching copy right and simply transcribing from their book I will share a few snippets with you that have normalised and supported my beliefs/philosophy, behaviour, thinking and life in general in my 'middle age' - in case you're wondering it is a lengthy but a well researched book. Interestingly they are not psychologists but damn good writers representing the views of 'contemporary' females.

A summary of their perceptions (through my eyes)

trust your instincts
be kind; respect others
be civil; have good manners
acceptance (of self, others and situations)
compromise
love your friends, your self (as you would your friends)
reflect; sleep; slow down
be brave
play music (listen in my case)
stop counting calories; savour delights; take pleasure in good food (and health)
have ambitions (but be aware of the dangers - eg working too hard/long)
balance work and life (realistically); be aware that failure is a part of success
find the gap between your dreams; examine them; dismantle them; start them over again
make informed decisions 
have the courage to change; or find it by consulting with others; don't get too lost in 'doubt and fear'
do not be bullied into anything; canvass opinions then trust your instincts
revel in your choice and freedom to choose; both as women and in this country
politics is not perfect ; but it does matter (still reading that chapter to be convinced!)
shop in your local community, local businesses
grow veges at home and recycle
be aware of managing your debt 

I'll finish (as I'm talking to mostly my female friends or their friends) with this from their back cover: 'As someone once said. Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astair did - only she did backwards and in high heels".

The book in case you are wondering is called "Backwards in High Heels - the impossible art of being female". I am moving on to the next chapter called 'Motherhood and Family" and suspect I could be writing it; and I am avoiding the chapters about Money, Grief and "Ageing" but I hope I will get to that, one way or another...! 


Cheers and 'love your family' x

Piano or Pianist?

 

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist
- Michael Levine

 My job here is done!  Or is it?

So you think parenting finishes when your children turn 18? You expect your children to leave home at 17 like you did? Or at 21 when they have the 'key to the door', literally! Or perhaps when they finish uni, have a job or career? Not in this century, and day and age my friend; they are more likely to stay or return with the confidence that you will be there and they can still use the key you gave them at their 21st!

They are considered an adult at 18 so you expect they will make their own decisions and face the consequences. Well perhaps not, you might expect to make the decisions if they are still 'living under your roof', but only until they don't agree with your decision any more, or need to face the 'consequences' on their own...or...need money to pay for them.

So let's get with the program, parenting is a never ending journey and life long career. It is a long and winding road (with a few forks along the way) and yet it is one of the most rewarding and perhaps least qualified 'job roles' we will ever face in our careers - one where we are 'employed' for a life time and while we gain many skills, we do so mainly through experience; ours and others.

When our children are born (or before) we read the 'books', we attend a few ante natal classes or parent groups or even an 'effective parenting class' or two - we will never be 'that kind of parent'; or my children 'will never behave like that'. We judge others for their parenting and we justify our parenting to others.

Mostly though we fly 'blind' and by the seat of our pants. We do the best we know how to do, or we do as our parents did - or didn't do! We love them unconditionally, and they depend on us to guide, encourage and respond to their needs and interests. What we sometimes (as parents) don't do is give our children enough credit for being capable, competent individuals and expect 'we know best' - which of course we do (emoticon: wink, wink).

As one who has studied and worked with babies, young children and adults in training, education and care, I am forever grateful for the knowledge, skills and experience of 'learning' about their  development and well being. Has this made me a good role model and better parent? Well I've always thought so; but what I didn't count on was how much 'growing up' with my children and learning with them, alongside them and from them is the training required to 'be a high performing parent'.

In some ways the parent/child roles are reversing with my own Mum and yet I still need her to guide, encourage and respond to my needs - and I am in many ways a 'mini her' (can I put an LOL in a blog?). Mum didn't have her mum to role model for long having lost her to cancer when mum was only 7. Mum didn't have the level of education I did, nor the 'tertiary' education and training. Yet, Mum is a damn good role model, a nurturing, caring and 'connected' Mum to her children and grandmother to her grandchildren.

While I didn't gain her creative flair I have learned from her the qualities I believe are the 'essential job requirements/criteria' for parenting - and no she's not perfect, but hell I'd give her 'the job' any day!

So it's not that we necessarily parent instinctively, nor do we need years of formal education however parenting does require years of on the job training, mentors, role models and lots of information...thank god for google! But we also need our children to teach us - we make mistakes, we make the wrong decisions and our children love us, hate us, make mistakes and the wrong decisions. They grow up, leave home, come home, leave home, visit, come home again...which is back to where this blog began...

What I didn't factor into parenting when we were 'family planning' was how to be the parent of an 'adult child' - there are as I've discovered books already written about this very topic, and yet they are a relatively new phenomenon. Did you know there is a Bill of Rights of Parents of Adult Children?  http://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2013/10/23/the-bill-of-rights-for-parents-of-adult-children/

So in this blog I am going to 'invent' from experience, and some years of gathering both tacit and educational knowledge an 'ABC' of parenting adult children. Why? Because I am 'in the zone' myself with two beautiful, talented, kind and caring adult children, and nieces and nephews. Also because I have many friends who are new to the world of adult 'parenting' - and I have young friends with young children who might need it themselves. Who knows what the future will look like for them?

Apologies in advance for 'incorrect' referencing to those who care - with years of 'reading/research/teaching' most of this list is in my head and my heart. While most of it is also the basis of my own parenting philosophy and practice, I am yet to 'refine' and still to improve my 'performance' in parenting and know that I am still 'walking the walk' - but I reckon I'm still qualified to 'talk the talk' - you decide! No doubt you will add your own 'ABC' qualities, skills and knowledge.

The abc of adult parenting (adolescence to adulthood)

Attitude - have the right one! Positive, confident and caring.

Acknowledge - their feelings (and them yours)
Accept - that you cannot control, chastise or criticise their behaviour; accept who they are and who they are becoming)
Affection - show it, often!
Appreciation - again, show it, often!
 
Be there - when or if you need to be
Be yourself - always
Be happy - and honest when your not
Being - just 'being' and not always doing for your adult children (hmmn, hard lesson)
Becoming and belonging - they are still 'growing and learning' and so are you

Control what you can when u can - let go of what you can't (my girls will laugh about now!)

Cooperation, communication - expect it, ask for it, role model it
Confidence - yours and theirs (if the previous parenting years have gone well, this should be ok)

Decisions - consult, but don't make decisions for them (uggh, so hard, and chances are you won't always/ever agree)

Defiance - expect it even from your adult child (and they can expect it from you sometimes)
Dread - you will still dread when they are out late at night, not knowing where they are or who they are with, not always knowing they are safe - when they are under your roof this is to be expected even more so)
Do as I say not as I do? - or should it be 'do as I do not as I say'? :-)

Eat, pray, love - read the book, eat well, meditate and love yourself as well as them

Encourage - adults and children alike need feedback and encouragement; don't stop now!
Enable - leave them to make their mistakes, decisions - give them room to choose the life they want to live (see 'communication and cooperation')
Expectations - be reasonable, be fair, be understanding
Environment - expect your home to be 'comfortable/tidy/clean'; whether your adult children are visiting or residing at home; keep the atmosphere 'harmonious', lots of laughter and tears when needed
Empathy - live by it!

Feelings - express and discuss (eg feeling guilty, angry, fearful for their safety, future, happiness)

Fights - expect them, but 'be the adult''; role model and see 'communication, cooperation, empathy')
Fun - engage in fun times/events/experiences together
Friends - be friends, but don't expect to be in their friendship group, sometimes but not always perhaps?

Goal of behaviour - find out what's behind their 'tears, anger or frustration' - understand it is not always 'about you'; understand they may be feeling hurt, isolated, tired or hungry - sounds just like a toddler!

Gentle - be gentle on yourself (and them); look after yourself as you would a best friend
Gym - exercise, stretch, meditate, swim, walk 'often'

Harmonious - see environment

Honest - be truthful and open with your adult children
Humble - always; humility enables you to address problems and find solutions
Help or hinder - you will do both, and never quite know which one you are doing!
Health - maintain it ~ and support theirs (my personal belief is I will always support my children's health and education at any cost)

Indiscretions - respect them and maintain confidentiality and privacy (yours and theirs)!

Independence - assume they have reached this stage of development and give them room to remain so!
Informed - see communication and cooperation!

Joke - often but respectfully and 'age appropriately' (it might be more embarrassing for you than them!)

Job - encourage a positive work ethic; expect contribution to household if at home

Knowledge is power - for them and you; stay informed, reflect, learn new things, stay current

Know your sphere of influence (Covey, S. 1995) - understand your limits, what can you or should you be involved in?

Listen - you've been doing this for years, if not, start now - and reserve your judgement (show you care and make an effort to understand - expect the same in return)

Limits - set them! Whether toddlers, pre schoolers or adults, we all need them to an extent
Learn - with and from them
Love - unconditionally

Mindful - know your boundaries; you may be their mother or father; but you must be mindful of your limits, expectations and opinions. They are yours, not necessarily theirs. You will disagree, often

Meditation - essential to reflect and relax

Notice - what is going on in their lives without intruding; notice their health and well being; support appropriately

Negotiate - set out the terms of agreement, especially for adult children at home (when to speak up, listen or give advice - a two way street)

Open - and honest, but be mutually respectful

Problems - support and guide; but do not 'wear them' anymore than the 'adult child' themselves (have not got this one under control just yet, will I ever?)

Parent - see yourself more as a mentor, guide (or consultant)
Partners - you brought 'them' into this world, and now they are working their way through to reach their 'full potential' and 'self actualisation' (Maslow, A. 1943) - work with them, not against them

Questions - respond to the best of your ability, and only ask what you need to know (although it's ok to ask them the questions and not know the answers)

Rights and responsibilities - know them, outline them and respect them

Recognise and respond - know when your adult children 'need you' and have the good grace to know when they don't! Watch them both from afar and yet keep them close to your heart; stay connected.

Sharing responsibility - define your roles as 'child, adult, friend, room mate or boarder'

Tough love - apply it when you see it is in the best interests of 'parent and adult child' (know what that means to you and them; discuss consequences and how you will 'apply tough love' - cos I'm still working this out. I do know that 'yelling, abusive language, physical abuse' are not acceptable and never have been; for me it's more like 'leaving the washing' that's been sitting in the basket or not cleaning the bathroom!)

Understanding - 'seek first to understand and then to be understood' (Covey; S. 1995) and as highlighted in 'respect, acknowledge feelings, listen, communicate...'(Harrison, J. 2003)

Vulnerable - you will leave yourself wide open to vulnerability as the parent of an adult child, but that's a side I think they need to see once in a while. You too have a life and perhaps one day would quite like to be an empty nester, or equally want to invite your children back home.

Wonderful - having an adult child is a wonderful experience, one that I am only beginning to truly value; do I understand what it means? Does anyone?

When to leave - you and they need to know when the time is right for you/them to leave. Don't just 'tell them' or expect them to tell you - see communication, respect...enable and empower

eXceptional - my adult children :-)
eXuberant - it helps to be fit and healthy when possible, exuberance helps diffuse some difficult situations; if all else fails, turn up the radio and dance!

Young - you were young once, so remember to take this into account and when your adult children start 'teaching and guiding' you know that 'your job is done' and done well!

Yelling - my philosophy is that it rarely works; like anger it needs to be used with caution and wisely. It is mostly a reaction and short term fix - but one that leaves both 'parties' resentful or regretful

Zoo! The only Z I could think of, and a reminder I haven't been since my children were 'children' and I think it's time I took my Mum to see the panders!

I have also written this blog in memory of Daniel who left this world as a young adult, leaving behind a young wife, children, a sister and a Mother and Father who followed many of these ABC's. I know Daniels parents will forever treasure the time, duty and honour of being his parents from birth to age 35. I was privileged to care for Daniel as a 3 year old and have shared in his childhood through to adulthood and he became "an incredibly generous man who made a difference" (Krause, J. 2013)

 

 'Love, light and peace' Daniel (Davis Ross, A. 2014)

Turning points in life

This is a time of profound change and is impacting on every area of my life - some have questioned my decisions but I see this as a good time to move on in my life. It was a now or never opportunity and a turning point in my life - in case you are a new blog reader I should add I have recently received a voluntary redundancy package of significant worth, to me at least.

I held the vision (well one of them at least) and trusted the process and here I am ready, willing and able to seize the moment...whenever or whatever it may be. While slightly battle scarred from the journey to negotiating a sense of freedom, and after 23 years in one organisation (and several 'work force development' and life changes) I have left to find and follow my passion/s, hold true to my values and maintain a work/life balance.

That was last week; this week however I've found myself thinking 'What have I done?" I feel like I am waking from 'the morning after the night before' and trying to piece together recent events and developments. It is slowly coming back to me! I am 'redundant, displaced and unemployed'...meanwhile I am sleeping in, having breakfasts, lunches and dinners (out and about), spending money at sales, caring for 'family', sleeping in the afternoon and almost sleeping through the night!  A first for many years (perhaps the menopause is coming to a halt).

So having found myself on a somewhat 'negative thought spree' and feeling some anger; and as I read the advice of successful people and motivational books, 'websites and pages', I immediately feel guilt, fear, angst and wonder if I have gone too far. Have I put myself in an unsustainable position?

Surprise, surprise, surprise as Gomer Pile would say (I'm pretty sure my blog audience will be old enough to remember him?) I am going through the stages of grief - hello, really, d'ya think?
The five stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 'On Death and Dying' (1993) noted that these are the possible stages of someone experiencing life-threatening or life-altering events.

Well here I am moving through (and back and forth) those stages - and today, I am accepting that the only real way to find out is to see how far I get and while being pragmatic, I believe I have made one of the most rewarding decisions I've made in a long time. How do I know, well how do we ever know? "It's better to know and be disappointed than to never know and always wonder" (www.MarcAndAngel.com).

Having achieved many goals I have set for myself, my hard work and persistence usually pays off and I am keeping focused on my dreams, however big or small they might be - writing this blog with the aim of supporting others through difficult and changing times is one of them, how am I going so far?

After much soul searching a new me is emerging and I plan to move forward with certainty, the past is behind me and 'the secret to change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new' (Socrates). My 'cards' (thanks to Julianne Palmer - my Facebook Clairvoyant Medium) say I will 'make bold and ambitious choices and show great courage' - and 'the sky's the limit'. Thanks Julianne, your cards have given me inspiration however it is up to me to act on them!

I do believe it is more important to stay positive and hang onto my vision 'of desire and intention and avoid sceptics or those with negative mindsets' (again courtesy of Julianne) - a smile emoticon should go here!

While I may not be there yet, I am closer than I was yesterday and will continue determining my personal and professional goals as I prepare for another decade or more (thanks Tony Abbott) of working, paying a mortgage and other life altering events.

I may not become famous or known for something in particular other than 'mother, sister, daughter, friend, teacher/trainer, consultant' (don't forget 'writer!) but these are things I value and my success will be in: living a life where I have no regret or remorse (well, not too much - you only regret the things you don't do, true?)

I know who I am and where I want to go and I have competence, confidence and courage to do the things I want in life, what I need now is a willingness to take another risk or to sit back and rest on my 'laurels' by playing it safe. Either way, the choice is mine, and that's the bottom line.

The challenge and chase will continue - for the all encompassing and illusive happiness and while life will continue to throw curve balls I wouldn't change anything. I am living in the present and living my dream. I have opportunity, passion and more choices; I am constantly learning and inspired by 'things and people'; I am excited about my life and I am really happy - today. What I'm discovering again for the trillionth time in life is that happiness and success can be short-lived, and like beauty, are simply in the eye of the beholder. To know happiness or success surely we must experience the opposite the ying and the yang - whether it be from one day to the next or a decade into the future?

So where to from here? I will take chances and have fun, pay no mind to fear of failure (apparently it's more valuable than success) and not be discouraged by criticism (from others or my own inner critic that rises occasionally) - and although it's taken years of reflection, reading and responding to the needs of others, I now realise I also need to give myself permission to 'look after myself as I would a friend' (would my friends please remind me of that!)

So as Julianne Palmer predicted months ago 'there are positive developments and changes signalling spiritual growth. Let go and enjoy the ride because it really is for the best'.

Cheers
Judy

"Welcome the new and bless the old"

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings (Lao ZU. dennisselisseth.com)  

How do you move on from painful endings? At what point in life, work or love should you stop what you are doing, stop worrying or leave it all behind and find a new beginning? How do you move 'from fear to courage'? I know the books will tell you many times over and phrases such as:

 

"Just do it"

"Believe in yourself"

"You can do it",

"It's never too late"

"You are never too old to set another goal" 

"You must do the things you think you cannot do"  

"Shoot for the moon" 

These are sayings courtesy of Nike, C.S. Lewis, Eleanor Roosevelt and anonymous (and numerous) others, but they are starting to leave me a bit cold! Yesterday I had a moment where this saying was apt..."my mind doesn't just wander, sometimes it F%#s off completely (know idea where that saying came from, other than FaceBook, but I like it!)

The quote from cheryl.richardson.com "Welcome in the new and bless the old as it gently falls away" is also a personal favourite as I wait for the 'old to make up it's mind' (emoticon, emoticon and another emoticon needed here, but an exclamation mark will have to do!) 

The reality is many of these sayings seem to come 'after success' or painful endings and make it sound easy, quick and with little effort. It is also said that "it's never to late to learn"; change, retrain or start something new - so how do you know when it is time or worth the pain or risk?  

Possibly frightening thoughts and questions at any time in life, and I still don't have all the answers (well a few maybe)...but the over 50's seem to be doing it tougher than any other time during the lifespan. No doubt I'm observing this because I am in my fifties, but society and the 'lifespan' is changing to include the things we thought only affected us when we left school or work and training in our teens and twenties. I hear many of my over 50 friends saying "By now I thought I'd know what I was doing" or this "By now I thought I'd be happy and content" and by no means last "By now I thought I wouldn't have to worry (about the kids, the mortgage, employment)".

Recently I decided to fulfill my ambition (since turning 40 at least) of studying Psychology. Well so far, having given it my best shot in the first semester I am taking a break and 'letting it be', and if it's meant to be I will return to 'just do it'. But hell, it aint gonna be easy so is it truly worth the angst I keep asking my self? Stephen King says "The scariest moment is always just before you start", well in this case it was after I started. University at 50+ is a scary moment indeed.

My decision to defer came after a melt down (not the first) in the computer lab doing statistics. I was watching the 18-20 'somethings' who were clicking their mouse, talking about 'stats' as if it was a topic they dealt with everyday, and analysing the data with confidence and hope for their future. I, meanwhile was sitting some distance away from them with both tears and sweat trickling down my face (stress and hormones!) thinking WTF am I doing? None of them noticed, and if they did chose to ignore, and I chose to leave before I embarrassed myself with full blown hysteria. The pressure valve was about to burst.

Instead I left to sit quietly in the courtyard outside and phone 'a friend' (my sister) knowing she would let me blubber and reassure me I wasn't going crazy and there is no sense in adding to the stress of life, for now at least - maybe later!  I decided then that "it's okay to have a melt down, just don't unpack and live there, cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed"(Pintrest 2014); and...where is that exactly I ask myself? 

I'm not quite an empty nester and I still have a working life ahead of me. I support my Mum's 'elder care'; my daughters 'learning, life and career journies'; and I am managing my own 'health care plan' to ensure a quality of life as I 'age'. Around me I see others managing stress and grief much worse than my own so I also choose to support them when and if I'm able - and perhaps it is time to volunteer my support for others in the community and explore new possibilities.

At least this is where I think I might be headed for now and these are things I need to focus on.  In many ways I am already successful in 'life', and while none of these will make me famous or rich, they are important to me, my family, community and quality of life. Nonetheless, they don't pay the bills either...so I still plan to explore new possibilities and revive my goals (as in previous blogs) while I keep sharing or writing about 'surviving and thriving' during a career, or mid life crisis. 

It seems over 50 means taking the time to break some old patterns and expectations of yourself, work, life and aging. It is fair that we keep working on ourselves and 'who we want to be, or what we want to do', but it may also be time to stop 'sweating the small stuff' and do or try things that are not so difficult to manage, yet add an exciting quality to life and to live (where possible) in the present. 

I will draw inspiration from others, or find the courage to take 'action' to do something I love or want to do while recognising 'doing things you didn't think you could or should' take time and will nearly always be worth the effort. Remind me I said that if or when I resume studies?

But for now these sayings from Pintrest seems to suit life while I settle into or find solutions to my midlife/career changes:

 "Starting today, I need to forget what's gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward to what's coming next"

 "I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it" (Mila Bron year unknown)

and finally this:

"Today I will live in the moment, unless it is unpleasant, in which case I will eat cookie" (unknown, but very apt!)

Out of the clutter

I unlock the door for the 3rd time this week, inside what do I see? A cluttered room full of: boxes, plastic containers, disused furniture; and an even more cluttered desk. How will I ever 'unclutter' it enough to find the space for which the room was originally intended?

My office, it was meant to be my office. a place where I could work at home, a creative 'hub' to be more productive and maintain my sanity. Somewhere household issues would not impede on my work; somewhere I could relax and yet work efficiently. It is a room where I can seclude myself in an 'office frame of mind’; well at least it was 2 years ago. The mat that lay in the middle of the room and the book case have gone; the neatly arranged storage boxes are now sagging and bulging with too much inside and on top of them.

Well it's lunchtime and I have managed to rearrange the clutter while the cat sleeps quite contentedly on an old couch waiting for a buyer on Gumtree. Some of it has been repacked and moved to the 'shed', relocated to other parts of the house or reorganised in another corner of the same room. At least now the desk is clear except for the myriad of books that promise to help me: steer by starlight, find my destiny; manage my career crisis and my hormones! Oh and I almost forgot the book 'Growing Old Discracefully', New ideas for getting the most out of life' (The Hen Co-op, 1993).

I'm using these books to remind, re-educate, reflect and re energise me as I begin to realise I am growing old, my brother and sister are older than me, my mother is old (sorry Mum); and my children are getting older. So at some stage we are all growing old and there is never any harm in finding new ideas to get the most out of life. Anyway, isn't age just a state of mind really?  And of course as 'age shall not weary them', so those of us who are getting a bit 'weary' are lucky to be looking for our destiny, managing our career and dealing with the hormones - or those of our children, friends and family.

So while I am making a conscious effort to de clutter my office, so too am I making an effort to de-clutter my work and life to create 'simplicity, harmony and opportunity' (Albert Einstein says, or rather said these are the 3 rules of work). Let’s face it, there will always be difficult times, fear and discord as we 'grow older' (and perhaps wiser) so the best we can do is be relentless in our 'pursuit of happiness'.

My pursuit at present is to 'stay present' - to do this I decided to take some leave and nourish my senses through ‘green and fruit’ juices, hypnosis, massage, inspiring books, beach walks and hydrotherapy. I'm learning how to slow down, let go and patiently 'hold the vision and trust the process' in preparation for resuming my work/life balance.

Slowing down isn't as easy as it sounds - first there is the guilt you should be doing something other than meeting a friend for coffee or watching an afternoon 'soapie' and falling asleep. Luxury I hear you say? Well, yes once you realise you don't have to be somewhere or doing something else. Then there is the restlessness where you find yourself pacing, sighing, and procrastinating (should I tidy the office or take a nap?). Sometimes there is anxiety (although that is probably linked to the guilt); have I mentioned agitation? You know there are things to do, a million and one things to do - things you've been promising yourself to do, but you’re too agitated to think clearly and end up doing none of them.

Often during this time I've had on leave (a whole week so far, with at least 6 to go) you find yourself wondering how you have time to clean, sort, tidy, wash, shop, cook (and do it all again), arrange and go to doctors, dentists, physio and podiatrist (for self and Mum).  

I watch many of the younger 'Mums' at work or my colleagues who work and study and realise we are just about magicians to squeeze in work, family, relationships and career - let alone community contributions and social events. Something must suffer – and I don’t think it’s our children or even our partners, I think it’s us, (us mostly meaning ‘women who do too much’).

I'm sure I will adapt to this time I'm taking out while I manage my 'career crisis', my underactive and aging hormones and keep looking for my destiny (should I say my next 'destiny'; my first has been surpassed). I'm equally sure I'll look back on this time when I'm juggling these tasks again with work and wonder why I didn't just relax and 'smell the roses' (last time I did that I fell over and broke my ribs and hand!). So perhaps today I will simply use this time and blog just to feel good (about de-cluttering the office a little), relax and live in the present. I'll enjoy the freshly brewed cup of tea that awaits me - perhaps then I'll take a nap :-)

Have a great day

The Barnum Description

Who would think a research in psychology text book would inspire you to write a blog? Well it has me (I know a little strange) but If I haven't lost you yet, stay with me.

The Barnum Description is where people 'readily confuse statements that are true of people in general with statements that are true of them in particular'. I'd better reference this to protect the intellectual property of Pelham B., Blanton H., (2013 p 3) Conducting Research in Psychology: Measuring the Weight of Smoke...u get the drift. I'll try to explain the meaning behind this description, so you don't have to read it unless you have good cause!

While clearly at only page 3 of this book I am at the beginning of my journey of studying psychology. I know I should be reading instead of writing, but hey this is another way of taking notes and shall we say 'active learning'?

The essence of this 'description', while the writers say is mostly 'uninformative', was reported to be 'highly accurate' - and that in fact we relate to statements such as those we find on Pintrest, in self development books (perhaps in blogs), in fiction books, or even in horoscopes and magazines as though they are describing us personally, our situations and our lives at a given time and stage. We relate to them as though it was or is us, and yet they really describe virtually everybody.

If you are still with me? I've turned the page in the text book to find that our curiosity about the apparent accuracy of many descriptions we find eg in horoscopes, about 'human nature' and our own lives, personalities and contexts arouses our 'reasonable and intuitive, common sense and implicit' knowledge of how we feel, what we should feel, what we should do or how we should behave. Stunning revelation? No, however we cannot rely on our intuition and common sense alone (probably a good thing, as common sense does not always prevail, right?). 

So while the historical context of Psychology is no doubt interesting to you (emoticon needed here, I just don't know which one, so I'll leave it up to you) to explain human behaviour and how it has changed over time, and luckily we have made some progress, it also requires systematic methods to uncover the truths behind our 'intuition or casual observations'. So, without boring you further about the science and systems, this is at the very least confirming for me. 

My 'intuition and common sense' have lead to my interest in 'people, philosophy and psychology'. I hope this is enough to help me to take a more 'mature' approach (what I mean here perhaps is 'knowledgeable') and confirm or consolidate the many questions that still remain unanswered in my own life, work and 'love' (and perhaps the lives of my family, friends and colleagues - so watch out, I may need to use you in my experiments and observations during my studies? I promise they won't be painful, unethical or publicly offend you! Another emoticon or just LOL?

Back to Barnum - Perhaps these blogs will resonate with you, even when writing examples from my experience and you will be able to relate personally to the 'statements' I describe; while endeavoring to make sense of 'change, career and connections' as we all move on with life and making some sense of how this world (our world) operates.

Meanwhile...

I am still confronted with a competing set of choices and I am intrigued as I try to understand and debate with myself explanations for my behaviour. My responses to similar situations (eg career choices) at other times in life have seemed far less complex and my reasoning or the  logic of my feelings explained my behaviour, and 'mental functioning' eg stress, depression, lifestyle at the time.

What is different now to when I was 18, 26, 37 (yes these were significant times in my life); I know the obvious answers and I am striving to use relatively simple principles of managing change, anxiety and stress (as seen or read in previous blogs eg relaxation, exercise and nutrition) - not hard in themselves, just hard to find the right balance with the stress of making career/workplace decisions and 'strategically' cooperating and communicating with colleagues/managers/clients at work', while remaining true to my 'values, needs and strengths'. 

So how should I confirm or 'disconfirm' my theory that my job insecurity is the current cause and effect behind my dissonance and anxiety? According to my text book, I need to determine my theory, ask the question, hypothesize, simplify and test my theory/ies - well not today, but perhaps my questions will lead to an honours or masters study one day! 

Until then I will continue to informally test and espouse my beliefs (of positivity, flexibility and autonomy) and devote myself to my own schools of thought, while building on my knowledge (implicitly and explicitly ie through study). I will observe, predict and believe that I am taking crucial steps and will one day delight, in what I can realistically juggle, explore and plan to do now and in the future. 

And  for now...I can at least pretend to be bold, visualise and 'live to work, not work to live'. I will slow down, let go and allow things to happen while making disciplined choices, adapting, changing and living life.

I'm off to have drinks with friends and family...then finish the day with an Adelaide Fringe Music Show. How lucky am I? 

Work and life balance - really?

At 25 I chose to have it all - a balance of work, career and life as well as family. Did I? Have I? Will I? I know I have worked long and hard, sometimes doing 3 jobs, outside the home. 

"New research shows that nearly one in five Australian women works 10 or more hours each week than their job requires. And the extra time in the office is taking its toll on their wellbeing. Fifty per cent of working women struggle to balance the demands of work and family life, according to results from the Community and Public Sector Union's annual What Women Want survey. Of the 9,000 participants, the majority aged between 25-54 years, 20 per cent admitted they were unhappy with their current work-life balance situation. (bodyandsoul.com.au)

These days they suggest you should work smarter not necessarily longer. According to another article in the Advertiser Monday all we need is to be more 'prescriptive' about what we want and how we will achieve it - and visualise and place reminders about the home and at work, to 'jog' our memory about what we have resolved to do with, and in our life. 

I've worked at home, in the office, part time, full time, flexibly, fractions of time, contracts and substantives - always hoping to progress in my job and 'love what I do'.  I have made work choices to support my children, family and career (hopefully in that order) and nearly always because they are satisfying, challenging and I feel I can 'make a difference' to individuals, groups and a workplace. Rarely though have I felt entirely safe and confident in the choices and actions I have taken to ensure financial security and independence and live a life I would like to 'become accustomed to'. 

Despite being able to work at home during some parts of my career, this has never really been an acceptable or respected practice. Workplace health and safety, team work, micro managers have all been part of the culture of long hours, office (9 - 5 and desk/computer) bound.

I have fought for flexibility I need or want and felt guilty - either because of my own expectations 'to be all things to all people' or the assumptions of others that flexible work practices pose a threat and barrier to productive and efficient work. I've fought the 'war' with many a manager and only once comfortably 'won the battle'. I've tested their perceptions and taken steps to obtain a balance to ensure healthy relationships and effective communication. 

It seems that so long as a person is in the 'office' or in front of the computer, seen or heard tapping away on the keys - responding to 100 emails a day or engaging in conversations; often of a personal nature, then you are present and accounted for. How though is this efficient or productive?

Many job roles these days do not require a constant vigil from the office - of course client/customer services requires a physical presence however even some of these can now be 'virtual' or carried out 'home and away' from the office. Perhaps even retail, hospitality, training/education and community services and health have capacity or opportunity for working outside of the primary 'workplace' eg managers or staff who engage in planning or activities other than direct 'care and service'.

Research now includes the benefits of an environment that supports our creativity, life purpose or productivity (says she looking out over the waves rolling on the sand). Working at home, a cafe or even 'outdoors' can mean less travel, better nutrition and better health - leading to more efficiency and productivity and improving the bottom line for the employer. Take a look at some of the costs and benefits of working from home or 'telecommuting' http://www.globalworkplaceanalytics.com/resources/costs-benefits

Have you heard of the 'digital economy and national broad band roll out'? If you want to know more, or want to 'argue your cause' for working at home check this out http://www.telework.gov.au/for_employees - or check here if you are one of my 'early childhood' colleagues http://www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au/projects/digital-business-kits/digital-business-kit-telework.html 

This has been my 'vision' and in fact practice for many years and while feeling threatened or challenged I have never truly been at risk of losing my job and have maintained relationships, networks and ensured quality 'service and training provision'. And I have never felt isolated and usually feel more motivated when balancing working from home with 'the office'.

Have I risked my health and safety? Well surely no more and probably less than sitting 7 hours at a desk, being in a workplace with sick people or losing time catching up on other people lives, and them mine! 

By the way, if you are reading this and I work with you, these are the moments I truly value about being in the workplace (office) - we call them the 'water cooler' conversations which often lead to satisfying professional conversations and development. Again though it is possible to achieve a high level of satisfaction communicating 'on line' or in a cafe. I have become closer to some of my colleagues recently through Facebook (where's that 'like' button?)

So...have I really achieved a work life balance? Perhaps I have minimised some stress by working at home or avoided some workplace conflicts by working away from the office (perhaps even 'selectively'). I have been there often when my children have needed me - equally I have not been there! I have shown to managers I can do the job well and even improve quality - I have discussed the issues with managers (related to working away from the office), kept them informed and explored options. I have engaged in WHS inspections and clarified my job roles.

I am satisfied I do not owe my employer 'time or money' - I have at times 'given them more of me' and not given myself or my family enough 'time or attention' - I have never been without work, I have mostly enjoyed my work and I am proud of my achievements. So to some degree I have been successful, both in my career and financially. 

My children and family are supportive of my choices, and always have been - my children are moving on through their 'milestones' of life as adults and this is when I know I have done my best work, achieved great things and been successful in creating a work, life and career balance. 

So I'd say the answer is yes! I chose to have it all - and so far, I think I have - and now that my family 'is all grown up', how will I continue to manage a work/life balance into the future, heading to retirement - will I be able to live a lifestyle to which I am, or yet to become 'accustomed'!?

More questions than answers

Well my New Years resolution, as recommended by an article in the 'Next Web' is to tidy up my inbox. I started with my home emails and approached my work emails 2 days ago, and my resolution has already been 'deleted'; instead of the hundreds of emails that I will never look at again. Perhaps I have deluded myself into thinking that new year resolutions can change a decade of habits now firmly entrenched.

I'm sure I respond to those I should however there is a huge amount of 'knowledge management' contained within replies/sent items and on occasions are useful for planning, monitoring or developing ideas and projects. Equally there is a huge amount of wasted time and inefficiency - so I will return to the resolution before returning to work from a well earned rest.

REST, did I say rest? My mind is never far from thinking about a task, whether it be 'work, rest or play' - writing this blog helps to get rid of some of the crap (from the hippocampus I've learned) and 'sort the wood from the trees' - or is that the trees from the wood? I can never remember, clearly not important to store or retrieve from where is that again? The cerebral cortex or parietal cortex or both? Oh dear clearly more study required!

On my way to the 'office' ie a beach cafe today I pondered walking along the beach how we have time to fit work, of a paid nature that is, into our lives. Yet here I see people fishing, jogging, walking their dogs, having coffee and playing with their children. Oh yes that means it is 'summer holidays' for many of us, so this reminds me I am entitled to rest and play! Yet I chose to commence studying during my holidays and am now waking at night thinking of deadlines promised to a national client base! "What the f*#*'?

I've read countless books, studied, blogged, watched, listened (to experts in the field), advised and mentored others and I still ask the 'hard' questions, like...what am I doing all this for? Am I where I want to be in life? Should I need to work so hard to achieve 'happiness, good health and wealth'? Will I ever wake up one morning and say "I'm here, I've achieved all I set out to and more. I'm happy, I have good health and I have more money than I know what to do with'? 

While I can honestly say (and if you've read previous blogs) I have achieved many things I have set out to and often it has been the 'challenge' that has (in hindsight) been the best part - don't they say 'it's the journey not the destination'?

However in reality probably most of us set out to achieve more and still chase our dreams or the illusive quest for 'happiness' - this begs the question what is happiness or success, who is ever truly happy; how do we achieve our 'goals' and why do we sometimes 'settle for less'? Are those who do wake up with more money than they know what to do with any happier or only richer?

When we are children we grow up with ambitions of what we will achieve in life, or what our parents think we will achieve...a teacher maybe, a nurse, shopkeeper, mother, a super hero, cinderella (at the Ball, not cleaning the 'cinders from the fireplace), a soldier, doctor, lawyer? Or these days...an environmentalist, a nano technology engineer, IT expert, or Beyonce. How many of us think we'll grow up to be a anything less than 'our dreams, imaginations, parents or fairytales'?

Most of us at least don't quite get there so why, when or how do know we've made it? Why don't we do something we love and get paid for it? And...just how do highly paid people, executives, actors, musicians achieve such wealth, greatness or notoriety....how do you explain that? Is it nature vs nurture? Are they exceptional, is it genetic traits, natural talent, ego, opportunity or taking 'calculated' risk (or simply taking risk)? - do they just work hard and follow the 'rule book of life' (if so can I have that book?) Do they ignore the 'rule book' in the quest to have 'everything' at any price?

Do the 'rich and famous' or the executives and entrepreneurs grow up in an 'enriched' environment? Research would suggest this is true. There is strong evidence (I'll find it for you later!) that we perform better in a higher socio economic environment. 

Yet, I know many of those people - and the media is always telling us about the 'rich and famous' and they too struggle for that illusive happiness!

So let's go back to being children - and maybe that is exactly the point. Children know how to play, explore, ask questions, have an ego and use their imagination - until it is sometimes 'unwittingly taken from them'. They have little (sometimes no) fear, they try...and try again. They fall down, get up, laugh out loud, sing and cry out loud. They run, jump, hug and pretend. They observe, experiment, wonder why (if you have a 4 year old you'll understand that) and love unconditionally.

Ultimately as parents we strive to 'mould' these children so they become moral, ethical and law abiding citizens. We encourage 'social decency skills', cooperation, responsibility and help them to find their way in the world of 'work, life, love and sport'. We rarely sit back for the rest of their life without hoping they will be happy and healthy. Most of us will say "you can be anything you want to be?" and instill good work ethics and encourage them to treat others well. We say "I just want you to be happy" 

So do we have control over our destiny and our happiness, or is the dye cast? Is there a higher power to guide or decide for us? Can we influence or change what happens to us or our children?

Do I have answers to these questions? Intellectually or philosophically perhaps yes, but probably most would lead to more questions, research or surmising - and in turn would lead to more questions. Scientists, religion, philosophers, psychologists, teachers or politicians have tried to answer them throughout history. I'm sure even our greatest researchers and leaders (Nelson Mandella springs to mind) have asked them and thought they had the answers, or at the very least inspiring advice!

While I'm waiting, dreaming, planning and living life. I will keep pondering these questions - perhaps I'll find some answers through my study of Psychology. In the meantime I have a busy week ahead so today I will relax a little and in future I will try harder to keep my 'glass half full' and be happy with who I am, where I am in life and 'pat myself' on the back once in awhile. 

I will keep enriching my environment (it's never too late); accept the past - have no regrets, appreciate what I have and expect 'the best and the worst' life has to offer and just for the record (and in case it helps us 'both' - you the reader and me the writer - here are a few of the things we might be able to do to be healthier and spiritually richer or happy(ier) - and I'm afraid mostly only hard work or an inheritance will make us richer! LOL ;-) (sorry I couldn't resist the text language/emoticon)

Donate your time if not your money 

Help someone in need or fight for a cause 

Let your children make mistakes 

Let your children be children - and enrich their environment with music, books and nature (and yours)

Look listen and learn 

Take time to smell the roses and taste your food

Put down the paper - stop reading about devastation war and ravage

Get up and get outside

Seize the moment

Write a bucket list 

Appreciate others and yourself

Accept the past - look forward to the future

Appreciate nature 

Tell your children/family/partner u love them every day

Value what u do

Accept who we are

Appreciate what we have

Live love dance laugh 

Ride a bike to work 

Hug your cat/dog 

'Just do it' as Nike say 

Don't expect too much and expect more!

In Summary:

"Here's a little song I wrote" (well of course I didn't - if you know it 'sing along'!)

You might want to sing it note for note

Don't worry be happy

In every life we have some trouble

When you worry you make it double

Ain't got no place to lay your head

Somebody came and took your bed

Don't worry, be happy

The land lord say your rent is late

He may have to litigate

Don't worry, be happy

Look at me I am happy

Here I give you my phone number

When you worry call me, I make you happy

Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style

Ain't got no girl to make you smile

But don't worry be happy

'Cause when you worry

Your face will frown

And that will bring everybody down

So don't worry, be happy

Don't worry, be happy now

Don't worry sweetie, be happy

Put a smile on your face, don't bring everybody down

Don't worry

It will soon pass, celebrate it

Don't worry, be happy

I'm not worried, I'm happy

(BOBBY MCFERRIN LYRICS)