The best way for me to 'respond to whatever is present' is to write, reflect and question every thought that 'causes suffering and test it against my own sense of truth' (Beck p210) and stop being distracted by others opinions and my own fears and 'shackles'.
I am still terrified of what the future holds and trying to see my way clear by finding a 'well beaten path' - maybe as Martha states "in these days of dizzying change and unprecedented possbilities, no beaten path even exists". I agree though that no matter how 'terrified of the dark' I may be, I can still 'calmly gaze at my destiny' and try to follow it forward!
My positive view of 'emerging from the fear and darkness' tells me I can expect that my gaze will 'break some rules, conventions and precedents' and be somewhat of an adventure - Martha quotes (Mary Oliver) "What do you plan to do with your one, wild and precious life"? She says, it is never too late and that now, this moment is 'your lifes beginning' - there is a 'clean slate' before me and perhaps II need to learn to free myself from all the things that have molded me?
"Be the greatest you are capable of being, self generating, strong and gentle...be grateful for life as you live it" (p232)
This year, 2013 is teaching me and many of my friends that life is indeed precious and most certainly we only get one chance to live 'life as we know it'! So does it matter if the path I've trodden until now has been rocky and meandering with many forks in the road?
I am grateful for so much in my life and yet I have failed, made epic mistakes, lost at 'love' but never have I regretted decisions and impulses where I have taken a leap of faith to move forward in my life...
Does it matter what the path ahead looks like? Does it matter if I veer away from the beaten track? That in fact it may be the same well trodden path of the past? What if I leave my job now, what if I don't succeed in my own business, what if i don't write another book? Oops here comes the fear, inner lizard and shackles!
I have followed my visions and convictions before. I have taken risks and chances...and I am here to tell you that I have had an 'almost brilliant career'. I am capable of being self generating, strong and 'my own hero and star' (well, maybe not exactly!)
For now I will return to the questions that need answers, or rather need action...should I stay, should I leave (work)? Is it just too complicated? Are my ideas too 'wild and woolly'? Am I stuck, dissatifsfied, confused? Well, hell yes!
Despite these questions, these fears and a lack of confidence to 'walk the next path' I am less anxious and I have a vision - I am exploring my options, meditating and 'treasuring ordinary days' - today is an one of those days, tomorrow will be another - meanwhile I am moving forward with some conviction (and action) to expect that miracle!
